Another update by Ingrid…
Wow, what a busy summer this has been. I got to spent some time in CT this spring and see so many of my wonderful friends and then I went to Holland for a month and even got to go sailing! It has been such a special summer. Really! Got to take sooo many amazing photos, and making memories that will last!
You would think that traveling is all I want to do, but to be honest I’m loving just being home! Even though I loved being in Holland and seeing so many of my loved ones, it was also hard to think that I would maybe see these people for the last time and that they would see me maybe for the last time. It is painful for them to live with that reality, but it is super overwhelming for me too. What do you want to say, what do you want to do?
There was an opportunity for me to do 2 lung surgeries in Dresden, Germany. Nico and I considered it but right from the start I just didn’t have peace about it. Sometimes even when all the stars seem to line up, it can still be “Not the right thing!” So we decided not to do it and that was sure hard for some of my family members. It is hard to make the right decision but we felt like this was the right thing to do. Mostly because I felt that the cancer is in other places in my body that do not show up on a scan until they are of a certain size!
I also had issues with my permanent resident card and it was very stressful for me to trust that everything was going to be alright. But it all worked out and I have to say that it is nice to be back home!
I have met with my oncologist last week and after a CT scan and a bone scan they found that there are more spots on the lungs and that the other spots have grown. There is also a spot on a lymph node in my abdomen so knowing this makes me confident that we made the right decision about the surgery.
So now what…..! Well, I feel very alive today and I’m super thankful for that. I have few aches and pains and some anxiety here and there, but I have enough energy to do stuff! So I have actually been pretty busy; meeting with people, doing some art stuff, and filling my days with normal routines and super fun stuff!
I’m thankful to God for everyday that He gives me and that I have purpose here, right now!
I don’t know when my time here will be over but you don’t know that either, so I just keep going. I have not given up; I have surrendered my sickness over to God! I’m not doing more chemo because doing chemo makes me literally feel like dying and I still want to live! Chemo might give me more time but being in the cancer clinic and feeling super sick is not how I want to fill my days. I always hope for a miracle but I surrender to my destiny.
God is still in control and He is still good.
I don’t know what the purpose is of all of this, but I do know that suffering gives people the opportunity to do great things, and I have seen those great things. I have felt the love and the support that not many people get to see, feel and experience. People are cheering me on to run the race. I’m not a runner, but I’m running. I just know that either way I’m running toward Jesus, and that feels soo good!
The here and now is the best. I have had some of the hardest, loneliest, happiest, saddest moments of my life in the last 3 years. But I’m still here and I feel love and peace and I’m grateful. Grateful for all of you and grateful that I have such an amazing life. So grateful for my kids and husband, and the peace that they have! It is amazing. I was talking today about how I always felt that I was going to have a huge career and I was going to be famous or something when I was little. And I really had to give up some of my dreams and my own agenda, and let God do his thing! He really does know me best. Ha ha. He knew that if my focus would have been a career that people wouldn’t have been important. I’m so driven – I don’t see anybody when I’m doing a job. Sooo I just believe that so many things are for a greater purpose and loving people is one of those things!
I don’t know what lies ahead. I know that tomorrow morning I will wake up and I will see my amazing husband next to me, and then I will get up and let my sweet dog out. Greet those little 4 puppies, and then I will see my beautiful children, make a cup of coffee and then decide that I’m going to enjoy this day. And I will keep doing that until I can’t do it anymore.
Thank you all sooo much for your amazing support. I have to say that I feel carried by all of you and it is not easy to surrender to that kind of love. But I feel it! Very much!